“I am only hurting myself!”

Before starting this blog, I would like to introduce myself, I am Michelle and I am a recovered addict. This is an opinion based blog. There is much nuance in language since I started my recovery journey. This is how I identify when talking about myself and by no means do I or the organization mean any harm, disrespect or want to stigmatize others when using the language we do for self identification. If we could all respect each others vocabulary and not take things too personal, we can all benefit so much more. 🙂

I am only hurting myself. My children are fine, they are with their other parent or my parents. No one cares about me because my parents stopped talking to me. I am a victim because no one will let me see my children……These are the lies I would tell myself during my active addiction. In reality my drug use had a profound impact on my family more than myself. Some people may ask, how it impacted my family more than myself? I say this because, my family had to live their “normal” everyday lives without using substances to escape their emotional strains such as fear, anger, depression, anxiety that came about over my everyday using. For me, my drug was an everyday occurance, 24/7. My every thought revolved around the next hit, the next high. I went to extremes to obtain “the next high”. I would do ANYTHING to get the money to support my addiction. Those “anythings” put me in situations that were dangerous and life threatening. This did not matter to me, getting “high” and escaping my reality was what I needed. All this, so I wouldn’t have to face any of my fears, anger, depression or anxiety in which my family had to live with, SOBER!

I cannot speak fully on what my family dealth with internally, for I am not them. I can only convey the basics in which they shared with me. Some of the issues that were developed came directly from my actions. I do not wish to share in my words, that is their story to tell. I am only sharing on a surface level to bring awareness that this is a family disease.

My parents were always worried, and always waiting for that phone call that I was dead. They lost sleep, developed anxieties, depression, anger, as well as causing disruption in the relationship between my mother and father. “I DID THAT!” I was hurting more than just myself. I brought chaos and disruption to my parents mental health as well as their physical health. My parents had no choice, I left them with no choice. They had to save themselves, both mentally and physically by “loving from a distance.” They had to shut me out of their lives as long as I was using substances. The longer I continued this behavior, they had to mentally take it further and mourn the death of their daughter while I was actually still alive. I stole their hope. This theft is the one emotion that still sits with me today. I am responsible for stealing their hope. I hurt them over and over, day after day, leaving them with no escape from their pain and suffering. They did not use substances to escape their reality. I hurt them more than myself. I was able to escape and numb the fears, anxieties and depression through my addiction.

As for my children; They were abandoned by their mother. They were also robbed of having the true experience of love, compassion, and understanding the nurturing of a mother. They say there is no love like a mothers love and I ropped them of that experience. My children suffered mental health issues, that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Through my actions and abandoment, I also created trust issues for my children along with trauma, instability, depression and low self esteem. This is apart of the long shadow I have casted upon my chidren through my addiction. As adults now, there are many issues my children live with today. All stemming from their childhood and being abandoned by their mother. My addiction affected their emotional well being, relationships, and future choices. My addiction also brought a risk of substance use to them. Research has shown, children of addicted parents are at a higher risk of developing thier own substance use disorders. These are just a few examples of the things, (without going into too much detail) of how I hurt my children. The depth of pain I caused can only be described by them in their own words and stories, but I can assure you, it’s very deep. 🙁

In closing, I did hurt others. I hurt those I claimed to love the most, my parents and my children. This is something that took me a lot of time to see, accept and admit once I began my journey into recovery. I always portrayed myself as a victim. A victim of substane use disorder, a victim of being shut out, and a victim of not being allowed to see or even be around my children. When in fact, the people who loved me the most had to protect themselves as well as my children from me. In my opinion, they were the victims.

There is HOPE! Through long term recovery, these relationships can be mended. Today, I am now able to be apart of the lives of those I love the most. Not all of them, but 3 out of 4. The 4th one is hard. I want to be there to mend the bonds I have broken. That is not welcomed by this person at this time, and I have to accept that while maintaining my recovery. It is not easy, but I cannot allow that to be an excuse to take me back to a place in which I have worked so hard to get out of. I can only hope, that one day that will change.

So please, if you are reading this and you struggle with Substace Use Disorder, we do hurt others. With or without direct actions against them while under the influence.

And for those who love and care for someone who may be struggling, please do what work you can for yourself, in order to protect yoursef from the emotional and mental issues that will arise within. And remember this; The person you love is not themselves while under the influence, however, that loved one is in there somewhere. They just have to be able to find themselves and feel joy once again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I do hope, whomever, comes across this blog will find some peace and tranquility from what I have shared today.